I’d like to be on top of  a huge hilltop overlooking a beautiful Chinese landscape. Just me and the wind. I think i could find inner peace here. Forget the rest of the world.  Just take in all the natural beauty and appreciate life as it is. Then walk away a new person. Who would like to take this trip with me?  We could sit on opposite hills and do some deep soul-searching. Then we could go catch some baby pandas and take cute once in a lifetime pictures with them. haha just kidding. would be sweet though.

 Then we will go to this Buddhist temple and find buddha. We will tell him how much we appreciate him. and how we have found enlightenment within ourselves. then we will go stand outside in the rain and soak it all in. Because we are not afraid to get wet, or climb to the top of a hill and sit there all day. Because we can do whatever we wish. If we want to find inner peace then we will do whatever it takes and we will love every second of it. I do not want to live my life like everyone else. I want to live it up. Maybe one day i will do this. So in all seriousness, who wants to go? It will be the trip that changes our souls and lifts us up. It will take away any doubt you have about anything. That’s what i want. Right now at 3:30 in the morning.


you’re different then I thought
I thought you thought like me
I thought you understood the things i thought that we both see.
we see the lies they sell 
the disguise they wear so well.
we see with passion eyes
we know & feel the truth
this truth that’s bound to evil
the proof is on your tongue.
the lives they tear 
the cold blank stare
the heat on our heads
we’re just alike.
free spirit is my name
& I can never have you.
I hoped you want me back .
all alone we are
together we have each other



ignorance is blind to those with twisted minds. the ones with staring eyes who can’t see beyond their kind. to judge someone like you who dare not see the truth would be just a waste of time cause you’ll never cross this line. the line I walk so fine with hands behind my back. I stand here today never cutting slack, never giving up & never off my track. more than you could be & more than you can see. you try so hard but in the end you will never be like me.

don’t you wish you knew the other side of me? the side that no one sees when I’m down & on my knees. the people who I please & the ones I choose to leave.

the secrets that I keep are far to hard to bear. I’ll never tell you shit cause you don’t even care.

they think they got me figured out they think they know it all. but they can’t see this ticking bomb I got locked behind a wall.

so I’ll continue to look you in the eye & still I’ll continue to smile & lie.

cause that’s what this is, a party of lies. a group of fakes that everyone hates.

yes we all see you, but you can’t see me. somewhat of an entity I’ll remain the same. Hahaha or I’ll remain insane.


pretty lonely.

It really sucks having no one to share your thoughts and ideas with. I don’t have a single friend. I don’t have anyone i can share anything with. I keep everything to myself. Which they say isn’t good. Because one day i will erupt and do something fucked up. But i would never do it to anyone else. I take all my anger out on myself. If i hurt someone else than i must hurt myself back. I’ve always been this way. I have the scars to prove it. I’m  not proud of them. It’s cause i truly hate myself. to the core. I will never love myself. I have no self confidence. Why should i? I feel like the ugliest person alive.  I’ve always wanted to be perfect. I’ll always try. So now i’m trying something new. I’ll do whatever it takes even if it kills me. I wouldn’t mind death so much though. even in the happiest of times i still feel the need to not want to live. I’ve always believed i wasn’t going to live a long life. I really don’t want to think this way anymore. I’m sick of the constant nagging pain that i bring on myself. I guess that’s what bipolar does to you. So I just wish i had a friend. someone I could relate to. talk to. about normal things and what not. till then I’m pretty lonely.

Dear cory,

Happy Birthday! I can’t believe you are 18. Now an adult. I hope you make the best of it. I know you will. You are such a great person and i know you can do anything you set your mind to. I admire that in you. Even though you are a smart ass and like to do crazy things, they make you who you are and i wouldn’t want you to change for anything. I love being around you! Everyone does. You are absolutely hilarious, and you’re so sincere. Two qualities that will take you far. I can’t wait to watch you grow into an even better person. Just know that i am always here for. You could always count on me for anything. I Love you so much, and i am proud to call you my brother.

Love Always


just some info

I am a cuddler – of course
I am a morning person – no way
I am a perfectionist – not really
I am an only child – nope
I am Catholic – no
I am currently in my pajamas – no
I am currently single – yup
I am currently suffering from a broken heart – nah
I am okay at styling other people’s hair – sometimes
I am left handed – nope
I am addicted to my myspace – no
I am very shy around the opposite gender AT FIRST – sometimes
I bite my nails – nonstop
I can be paranoid at times – haha yes
I currently regret something that I have said – oh yeah
When I get mad I curse frequently – yep
I like someone – yeah
I enjoy country music – yes
I enjoy jazz music – not really
I enjoy smoothies – yes!
I enjoy talking on the phone – sometimes
I have a pet – kitty kitty
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal – yeah
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” person – kinda
I have all my grandparents – no
I have at least one sibling – have 4
I have been told that I am smart – yeah
I get higher then C’s in school – used to
My GPA is higher then 2.5 – yes
I have broken a bone – yes
I have Caller I.D. on my phone – yes
I have bathed/showered with someone – yes
I have changed a diaper – yes
I have changed a lot over the past year – no
I have done something illegal – yes
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair – no
I have had surgery – yes
I have killed another person – really?
I have had my hair cut within the last week – no
I have had the cops called on me – yes
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t – yes